How to Break Free from Perfectionism
Picture Perfect…
Is that how you would describe yourself, your life, your family, your parenting? For most of us, probably not.
But how many of us still try to post that perfect picture of our kids being adorable on social media, or wait until we get into the car to yell at the kids for not having their listening ears on in the grocery store, or tell your friends that your husband or significant other comes home on a daily basis with flowers in hand and rushes straight to you for the first embrace before the kids get to him first?
It is so easy to try and paint a picture perfect life so that others can think you got it all together. There is something satisfying with looking like you have it all together. I know all too well. I have found myself caught up in the game of perfectionism more often than I should.
But the truth is, keeping up with the facade is impossible. Life isn’t perfect. Kids don’t behave perfectly all the time. And if your husband truly is wonderful, that’s great, so is mine most of the time, but he certainly isn’t perfect and I would be setting him up for failure if I held him to that esteem.
And what is even more true, is that when we try to hold onto a facade and we don’t allow the world to see the authentic (and most of the time messy) version of ourselves and our lives, it doesn’t make them envy you, it honestly just isolates you.
People want to be around real people. They want to know they aren’t alone in the struggle. They want to know that life is hard for you too. When we are able to be vulnerable enough to show our true colors, we can then start building connections and relationships with those around us, and we can stop facing our own struggles in silence.
Breaking Free
1) The first step in breaking free from perfectionism is to RECOGNIZE you are caught up in it. (Kind of like admitting you have a problem). If you can’t recognize that you are trying to be perfect or trying to paint a picture of perfection, then honestly you aren’t ready to free yourself from it.
2) The second step in breaking free from perfectionism is to SURRENDER the need to be perfect to the only one who was ever perfect in the first place, Jesus. God never expected us to be perfect. He doesn’t need us to be. He already is. In fact, when Jesus came, He came to tear down the walls of religion and teach people that nothing can separate them from His love, including not being perfect. He lived the perfect life so that we don’t have to. He loves you and your messy life just as you are, and doesn’t want you to be fake. This was one of the biggest problems He had with the Pharisees back in His time. They all acted as if they were perfect and had it all together, but it was just a facade. They had hatred in their hearts, they gossiped, they lied, they boasted and bragged, they abused and tortured people; yet they all claimed to be godly and without sin.
The truth is, none of us are without sin. We mess up all the time, we fall short all the time. But again, He never asked us to be perfect. The Pharisees didn’t understand this. They thought if they looked the part then they were the part. But you can paint a pig blue and call it a bird, but the truth is, it is still a pig. When you are able to SURRENDER your need to be perfect, you are making room for His Spirit to work in you and His Spirit to do perfectly wonderful things through you.
“Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom” 2 Corinthians 3:17.
3) The third step in breaking free from perfectionism is to begin to REFRAME your thinking. Instead of needing to be the perfect ____________ (mom, wife, daughter, friend, house keeper, dish cleaner, meeting slayer, or whatever it is you are working so hard at keeping together), try to REFRAME how you are identifying yourself.
Instead of being the perfect wife, be the wife that loves her husband, but has the strength and sound mind to ask him for help with the kids. (My guess is, he would feel like your knight in shining armor if you asked him for a little help, as many men love to fix things.)
Or instead of needing to post a picture of perfection on Instagram, post a picture of the chaos, and show the social media world that your confidence to do so comes from the Spirit within you.
Or instead of trying to be the perfect employee that says yes to all the initiatives and leadership roles, have a conversation with your boss about goal setting and how you’d like to focus your efforts in one or two areas of growth so you can master the task and give it your best. (Your boss will probably appreciate your growth mindset and admire your courage for being able to set boundaries as a professional.)
The point is, when we begin to reframe our mindset, (exchanging perfection for authenticity) we are able to grow in areas we never even knew we needed to grow in.
When we are able to first RECOGNIZE that we are stuck in the grasps of perfectionism, then SURRENDER the need to be perfect to God, and finally REFRAME our thinking by exchange perfectionism for authenticity, we will finally be free from the chains that perfectionism binds us in.
It takes work to put these three steps into daily practice, but even more than work, it takes trusting the Spirit of God to give you a peace that surpasses all understanding to be content being imperfect. However, the best news ever is once you are finally free to be authentically you, it is way less lonely and way easier to find joy in who God has made you to be.
Building Community
In the comments please share your thoughts on any of the following questions.
What area of your life have you kept hidden from the world because you are afraid you won’t be accepted?
What would be the danger in never truly revealing your authentic self to those around you?