Letting Go of Perfectionism.
My parents divorced when I was very young. I don’t have any memories of them being married, but I can honestly say that they did the best they could when it came to parenting my brother and me.
However, several times in my young adult life I would swear one of two things. I would either declare that I was never going to get married, or I would say if I did get married I would never get divorced. Both statements were made out of anger and frustration in watching my parents navigate parenting alone.
So when it came time for me to say my own I do, I once again made the declaration that I would never get a divorce. I became fixated on making sure my husband had no reason to want to divorce me.
I aimed for perfection. I tried to be the picture perfect wife. But when I messed up, instead of owning it, and just being authentically me, I instead cried a pool of tears and told my husband that he was going to divorce me because we were fighting.
Every time I told him he was going to end up divorcing me, he would assure me that he wouldn’t. But I was not convinced.
I will never forget one evening when we had one of our first big fights as a married couple. We had probably been married for just shy of a year, and I was fuming mad about who knows what. I was yelling at him and it took everything in him to control his own anger towards me to not fire back.
At the end of the night we both went to bed unresolved and angry. But in the morning I felt deep shame and regret. I was mortified that I had allowed my anger to get the best of me. So instead of just owning it, and looking to address my own anger issues, I instead began my typical pool of tears and insisted that he would be better off without me and he might as well just divorce me since I am such a terrible wife, (all my words, not his).
He finally looked at me and what seemed to be tears in his eyes said, “Is that what you want? Do you want a divorce?”
“Of course I don’t want to, but I know you do.” I contended.
“No, I think you do. I think you actually do want to get a divorce. You are the only one who ever brings it up. I never say I want to get a divorce, but you seem to think if I look at you sideways then we are going to, so it seems to me that you must actually want one.”
I was devastated. My lack of security was going to bring more harm on our relationship than I ever anticipated. He was using my own words against me. But I can understand why he would have thought I wanted one. I pulled it out in every single disagreement.
But the even greater truth was that I was so afraid that he would divorce me, I had convinced myself that I had to be pristine and perfect. The struggle with trying to achieve perfection was that it was unobtainable, so I was finding myself locked into a cycle of trying to be perfect, failing at it, beating myself up about it, and then seeking a false sense of security in my husband.
It was toxic. Not my marriage, but the standard to which I was holding myself and then the expectation I was placing on my husband to fill my need to feel secure.
But our security doesn’t come from people. If we rely only on people to bring us security, we will continually be let down. People are flawed. While it is true that we all do the very best we can each and every day, we are still very flawed.
The sooner we are able to admit to ourselves and recognize that we don’t need to be perfect to be loved, then we can move into a place of surrender. Being able to surrender our need for security in people, to trusting our security in Christ opens a door to start living in freedom from the pressure of not meeting all the expectations we place on ourselves or assume others have on us.
God doesn’t expect us or need us to be perfect. We are secure in Him. He is our fortress, our refuge, our rock. He is perfect so we don’t have to be.
As I stood there and looked at my husband in the midst of my searching for security in him, I finally realized the truth. I realized that my marriage isn’t the same as what my parents had. I realized that I wasn’t perfect and I was just going to torture myself by trying to be. I also realized that my husband isn’t God, and searching and pining for my security in him was the wrong source to plug into.
The only one who can truly cover me and make me feel completely secure is God. No human is capable of bringing you a complete sense of security, nor should they be asked to. We are all flawed. But again, God isn’t flawed. He is the source of security.
I knew I had to stop trying to be perfect and stop using the word divorce as an option. I told my husband that he made a great point. I unpacked my feelings of needing to be perfect with him, but then told him I don’t want to get a divorce. I made a commitment to him at that moment to not use the word divorce as though it was an option or a consideration any longer.
Deciding to take that word out of my vocabulary has been one of the most freeing decisions in our entire marriage. I started looking at arguments with him as growing opportunities. And when I stopped thinking that the end of the argument was going to end in a divorce, I was able to start being authentically me. I didn’t have to be a certain way to please him. I could have my opinion and he could have his, and it didn’t mean that the marriage was over. It also stopped the pool of tears, because I was able to have rational conversations instead of hysterically clinging to a nonexistent impending doom.
Surrendering to the need to be perfect has given the Holy Spirit room in my heart to mold my confidence in who I was made to be. God didn’t make a mistake when He made me.
Perfectionism is a lie. It is unobtainable. It is a facade that so many of us try to hide behind, but in reality it is a consuming cycle of toxicity.
It is okay to be you. It is okay to have your hang ups and bang ups. It is okay that you came from a divorced home, or a broken home, or an abusive home, or whatever it is that happened to you. Those homes of your past do not have to define your home of today. God has so much more for you. He has freedom from them.
“Now the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom” 2 Corinthians 3:17.
That is a truth you can take to the bank. You have true freedom to be authentically you and who Christ has made you to be. You are perfectly made. You are deeply loved. Your security only comes from God, not from anyone else.
So the next time you are trying to be perfect for anyone, let go of the reins of control. Surrender your need to be perfect to God. Allow His Spirit to fill you with His love and security. Recite the 2 Corinthians 3:17 verse as often as necessary to remind yourself you have the freedom to be you because God lives in you.
Building Community:
In the comments, please feel free to answer any of the following questions.
How has perfectionism held you in it’s cycle of toxicity in your past?
What is a verse you have come to love or recite that reminds you that your worth and security comes from God and no one else?