James 1:19
My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.
I can tell you first hand that I am unapologetically an extravert and verbal processor. My husband on the other hand is an introvert and internal processor. Go figure right? God put my loud and animated self with him, Mr. Calm and Thoughtful.
There is so much truth in the idea that God gives you what you need before you even know you need it. Maybe this is also why He gave us two ears and only one mouth? Perhaps He knows the importance of listening before speaking.
Now, this doesn’t mean all my extroverts and external processors are wrong. Not at all. You are made just right and God loves you exactly how you are. However, just because we are extroverts and external processors, it doesn’t mean we have the green light to steam roll all the introverts, or to speak over someone else when they are trying to make a point.
I used to do this to my husband all the time. I would be trying to explain something to him or get his advice on something, but then when I was done talking he would just sit there in silence and not talk.
I would count to about three (which were the longest three seconds of my life) and when he still hadn’t responded, I would repeat myself because he clearly didn’t hear me. And worse, if he was still silent after the repeat, I would get all upset about how he never listens and doesn’t care about me.
Then he would get defensive and tell me he does care but he was just thinking about his response.
One evening however, we were having a pretty deep conversation about how differently we communicate. He explained how he physically can’t process his thoughts out loud. He explained how he has to actually formulate his thinking in his head before his mouth can speak it.
For whatever reason this completely blew my mind. I couldn’t comprehend how he wasn’t capable of thinking out loud.
But this moment was when I realized how I had been silencing him for years because I didn’t give him space to talk. I was quick to talk. I didn’t put my two God given ears to use, just my one mouth.
This reality changed everything. For the first time I was able to be comfortable in the silence. Where I had thought he was just ignoring me and didn’t care, he actually did, and when I started giving him silence and space to think, the conversations grew so much deeper and more meaningful. We began to connect, and in fact we grew deeper in our relationship with God together because of it.
Here are a few takeaways and words of wisdom for you extroverts married to introverts, and for you introverts married to us extroverts.
Extrovert
- After you are finished speaking, tell them you are finished and then actually be finished.
- Wait for their response. (Don’t mean mug them either while you wait) You may have to wait several minutes.
- It’s also possible you may have to give them until the next day or more to process it. (The waiting is difficult, but God will meet you there)
- It’s okay to ask them if they are processing it. (At least for me, it has been so helpful to simply just ask my husband if he is processing whatever I just said).
- Give them small chunks to respond to. Don’t tell them all 900 bullet points, just small chunks. (This gives them less to retrace, increasing their response time
Introvert
- Look at your spouse (the extrovert) as he/or she is talking. (This helps them feel validated because they can see you paying attention, and it gives them more comfort in their waiting because they saw you paying attention
- When they finish, double check to make sure they are finished. (This can be as simple as asking if there is anything else they want to add)
- Ask clarifying questions. (We would hate for you to process the wrong thing, especially if we over-explained.)
- If you know you are going to need a substantial amount of time to process, tell your extrovert that. They need to know.
- If you don’t need substantial time, but at least a few more seconds than the usual three seconds, it’s okay to tell them you are processing it. (I know you wish they knew it, but they are still learning).
My hope for all of you is that you can take the time to grow in your relationships. These bullet points also work with friendships, kids, work relationships, and any other relationships. But, always, be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry. Hopefully this helps.
Feel free to comment any experiences or words of wisdom you have found to be helpful as well.
Until next week, all my best!